I knew this news would come one day, but still it hit me hard. I was not mentally prepared to leave my home, my country and the colleagues who I worked with for five years at The Irrawaddy.

Some years ago, my family had applied for resettlement in Australia. In the meantime, I got the opportunity to join The Irrawaddy as a reporter.

Before that, I had worked for the Karen Women’s Organization for two years in Mae Sot.

After joining The Irrawaddy, I spent most of my time in Chiang Mai and the border areas, reporting on all aspects of the Burmese situation-ethnic, social, economic and political issues.

Five years working with The Irrawaddy gave me a great opportunity to experience independent journalism. I learned how to gather news from different sources and places where I could not travel by myself, to talk to people in depth who I had never met and to report the news accurately.

I also learned a lot about fact-checking and verifying news with reliable sources inside and outside Burma. I now have a long list of contacts on a variety of issues around the world.

Working with a professional editorial team was a great opportunity to get to know other people and other journalists, as we had reporters from Rangoon and various different regions of Burma-Karen, Mon, Shan and Kachin states.

I am a Karen. However, I did not focus exclusively on Karen affairs; I covered a range of issues, such as political prisoners, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and the NLD, and of course, the Karen National Union.

I believe I have learned a lot and my eyes have been opened from those five years at The Irrawaddy. I also gained a healthy self-confidence.

But it is not easy being a Karen reporter.

I encountered many verbal and abusive attacks from many quarters. Sometimes surprisingly strong criticism came from people that I knew personally-within the Karen community.

Strong criticism and threats were always expected, especially when I was reporting on the conflict within the Karen groups.

Reporting and writing about the split within the KNU doesn’t mean that I don’t love the Karen people. As a reporter, it was my duty to tell the true story to our readers.

We at The Irrawaddy have been trying to cover what happens both inside and outside the country-and to report from both the military government’s side and from the opposition’s side with honest and objective reporting.

On several occasions, Karen officials ordered me to stop reporting news about them, despite the fact my father used to be a member of the KNU. I remember someone called me and threatened me on the phone on account of my reporting on internal problems within the KNU leadership.

Many officials won’t talk to me any more. They say I am not patriotic.

However, I always accepted criticism-though not abuse. It helped me become a better reporter.

As journalists we cannot simply criticize the military junta. We also have a responsibility to report the other side of the coin. By doing that successfully for 15 years, The Irrawaddy is today one of the leading and most respected Burmese news agencies in exile.

Without understanding the complexity of the ethnic groups, the pro-democracy movement and the role of media, the Burmese military government clings to power. In the meantime, Burmans, Karen and other ethnic people will continue fleeing their home country.

Of course, we cannot forget what happened in the past and what the Burmese army has done. However, I for one harbor no hatred against Burman people.

We hope the next generation won’t suffer like us-they will have to grow to understand and forgive. Otherwise, the future of Burma will never be bright.

We also have to develop an understanding with the many foreigners and international NGOs that are working along the border. Many of them have good hearts, although they often have their own agendas.

Otherwise, how many more years can the Karen in refugee camps keep living on donations of fish paste, rice and medicine?

I will always dream of going home to our little farm in Karen State. In the meantime, I am waiting to be resettled to a foreign land with a strange culture.

Since the resettlement process started for Karen refugees, many people have said that those Karen who are sent to Western countries are very lucky.

But my humble understanding is this: many of the Karen people who applied for resettlement or who are now living in Western countries don’t feel lucky. A life in exile can be very difficult and the children, invariably, lose their culture, their language and their roots.

But with only the option of a Western country or a lifetime in a refugee camp, it is no wonder so many refugees decide to apply for resettlement.

How would you feel if you had to abandon your community or your country? How would you feel if you had to leave your career behind? How would you feel if you had to leave everyone that you love and move to a new place where you knew no one?

This is, and will continue to be, an enormous challenge for those of us who have chosen resettlement.

Accepting resettlement was the most difficult decision of my life. However, I know I must not let it interfere with my goal-to continue as a journalist and to face the challenges of the future whatever they may be.

In 2003, Shah Paung joined The Irrawaddy as journalist after attending journalism training organized by The Irrawaddy. We are proud of helping her become a young, committed independent Karen reporter.